So here’s the thing. I have been really struggling with the weightloss. And after talking with a friend of mine last night, it may be the struggle itself that is holding me back. Because really, what we struggle against the hardest, is where we are focusing all of our energy. So, by focusing my energy on the weight…I am drawing more of the same to me. I’ve recently been inspired by some posts on some of the blogs I read about how women have taken something that is a situation they are struggling with (grief, wanting to start a family, etc.) and they have been able to transform it into something positive and productive by focusing instead on running.
When I was in elementary school, I loved to run. Aside from swimming it was one of my favorite things. Of course the jerk gym teacher I had eventually squashed the love. But I remember that feeling of freedom, of being completely in the present moment, completely at peace with myself. And when I read these posts about getting back to running, something stirred in me. And you know how when you start to focus on something, suddenly it is everywhere. It seems everywhere I turn women are talking about running. Even someone I work with has challenged himself to run a marathon in every state. It’s like running has completely captured my consciousness.
But, at the same time that I am focusing so much on running, at the same time I think that running a marathon, or even just running a mile, is so far out of my realm of experience that I can’t even fathom doing it. But, something inside me wants to run, even though I’m afraid. I’ve been focusing so much on trying to lose weight, on trying to get healthy, on wanting to start a family. And I feel like I am just spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. So, where does that leave me?
Well, Saturday I had my first training session for my 5k that is in August. I signed up for this with the thought that I would walk the 5k, but now a little part of me is wondering if I can use this opportunity to take a tiny baby step into running. I don’t even know if I can run. I don’t know if my body (my knees, specifically) will take it. But, I do know that I gotta do something. Because right now focusing on what’s not working and that the clock’s ticking and that if one more person around me gets pregnant I’m gonna scream. So, I’m going to try to refocus. I’m going to focus on my 5k and on maybe possibly running. I think I can do this, but I won’t know unless I try.
So, I’m going to try.