I originally posted this post (well part of it) on my other blog. Now while my other blog is primarily a craft blog, I do on occasion feel the need to let it all hang out so to speak. This blog, however, is more about my transformation, so I felt the need to repost this over here as part of the journey. When I began this blog, I had just finished reading The Secret and had also attended a fabulous workshop about the power of attraction. I had sort of been in a funk because I felt like I wanted to surround myself with people that are in the place I want to be. I wanted to surround myself with what I wanted. I’d been feeling like those around me, no offense against them (and Eric excluded of course), were not on the same path as I am. I felt that I was moving in a direction that they weren’t moving or that they were not ready to move to. I have a vision of myself as fit, attractive, intelligent, creative, fashionable, etc. I wanted to be around people that exuded that idea. But, how does one do that. The answer came to me, I had to be what I wanted to be surrounded by. Be what I wanted to attract. I have one friend that really is this “ideal person” I envision, and every time I am around her I came away from our meeting feeling so excited, so inspired. I wanted more of that. So, I thought the best way to cultivate what I wanted myself to be would be to just do it – start a style blog. Why not? People blog about all sorts of things that they know nothing about. And style for me is how a lot of people view art – I may not know much about it, but I know what I like. So, I began this blog – and began my journey of being that which I wanted to attract. The blog allows you to be sort of anonymous, so perhaps it becomes a good place to start putting myself out there.
This blog hasn’t had a whole lot of focus, and I seem to be a little all over the place with it, but I think that where I find my true voice is when I open up and reveal those little pieces of me. Like in the post about my new shoes. I didn’t just talk about the fact I had new shoes, but what those shoes represented to me. My new journey to make my house a home is the same way. It represents me actually living my life – actually being present. It also represents focusing and becoming what I want to attract. I see all of these fashion blogs or home decorating blogs and I think – I will never be able to do that. But, really, we all start somewhere. There are probably women out there that read my posts and think the same thing. So, rather than continuing to discount myself – I’m going to embrace this blog further and let more of my own voice come through. The shoe post was actually a turning point for me in another way – a writer contacted me and wanted to use that piece in an article she was writing. It didn’t work out for that piece, but it did show me that people are reading – and even stumbling across this blog. Like Laurie, for example, her journey touched me and perhaps my journey can touch someone else. So, here’s the bit I posted on my other blog.
Yesterday I read a book (yes a book in a day, wonders never cease). I read Crazy Aunt Purl‘s book and thoroughly enjoyed it. I do enjoy her blog more, but this was of course condensed and intended to tell the story of her journey since divorce. My only hang up about the book was that she ceased to refer to her ex as “Mr. X”, which I thought was more appropriate than the name he is referred to in the book. But that’s just me. The book though made me really think a lot (which is maybe not the best thing to be doing when your husband is several states away). What I love about Laurie’s blog, which I may have mentioned before, and her book is that I can so totally relate to what she went through. When my own Mr. X joined a cult and up and left me (no I am not kidding), I went through a lot of the same things that Laurie went through. I didn’t gain weight so much after or because he left, but gained it while we were married (65 pounds to be exact). I was completely trying to hide, to be unnoticeable, to insulate and protect myself – I was miserable. His leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me really, although there are times it didn’t seem like it. Like when I was home alone in my little one bedroom apartment, and all my friends were with their families (husband, kids), and I felt I had no family. I spent an entire weekend winding all of my DMC onto those little plastic bobbins in order to try to shut out the loneliness. When I got to the point where I was ready to start dating again, I had no single girlfriends to turn to, so I traipsed through that mine field alone. But, it was better than being married to someone that I didn’t want to be with, but was with for the sake of being Married. The only regret that I sometimes feel is that I wasted so much time with my Mr. X, and that when I met him my life took a complete detour. It’s like I was on the highway of my life, and I got off and stopped at this truckstop for 8 years. Now I am back on the highway. I just sometimes wish I had those 8 years back. But, 8 years earlier I would not have been the woman I am now, and probably woudn’t have found Eric. 8 years earlier, he would probably not have been the right person for me either. So, it all happens exactly as it is supposed to, and I do completely believe that I create my own reality. So, I hope that I have learned some of the things I set up in that situation to learn. Some of them I am still learning. I still struggle with discounting myself and not wanting to be seen. I still find that it is so hard to take good care of myself, because somewhere deep down I still feel like I’m not worth it. But, I am working everyday on trying to take care of myself. I quit smoking seven (almost eight) years ago. I take my vitamins every day, and try to make myself drink water. I watch what I eat (except for between 2 and 5 at the office – that seems to be my weak time and I seem to lose all control of what I put in my mouth). I workout four times a week at the gym. I’ve lost 35 pounds of that 65. I’ll still have a ways to go after I lose that, but losing that 65 is so important to me. I count my lucky stars that this month marks five years that I have been divorced. I also cannot express the gratitude I have that I was able to be the woman that I became after 2002, and that I found someone like Eric who appreciates it. And now, like I said, I am still facing new challenges. I am trying to really live in my life, and not just go through the motions. I am trying to really make our house a home, and be grateful for the people, things, situations in my life. I am trying to be healthy and have my outside match my inside. I am trying to be able to fit in my boots that zip up. So, once again, I find myself grateful for Laurie and her willingness to live out loud and tell the truth and also to pick herself up and be fabulous. I’m working on it.