It’s so pretty out today that I was sorely tempted to take my Wednesday Walk outside. Instead I contented myself with one of the hallways lined with windows. I like that hallway, it’s got a good feel to it.
Things have been interesting lately. I got a phonecall over the weekend from my sister who I haven’t talked to in a long while. It was good to chat with her, reconnect. And it later gave me the opportunity to reflect on a few things. I probably needed that. But it made me feel like a part if my life that’s been missing for a while was found for a little bit.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about the recent posts over at Can You Stay for Dinner (one if the downfalls of blogging from my phone is that I can’t figure out how to do links). Anyway, she recently did a series of posts on her weightloss, which really struck me. One of the things that I have been thinking about is what I will miss when I’ve lost weight and what I won’t. This morning in the shower I started making a mental list. I could only think of a couple of things I would miss about being at this weight I’m at now. The things I would not miss were far greater in number. But yet, I find myself still stuck in this cycle.
I read further in her archives and she talks about Peace with Food. She talks about “the inclination to bolt” and how the writer Geneen Roth uses this term to refer to “the intense desire to leave yourself, to flee, when life becomes difficult. To escape boredom, anxiety, sadness, fear, and loneliness.” And I thought “this is me, this is why I do this”. But strangely food has not always been the thing I escape to. It’s been a number of things, including smoking, shopping, and now food.
So I’ve been trying to pay attention to when I eat and why. The worst time of day for me is between lunch and 5pm. Of course “stress” brings it on too. And stress can be anxiety, fear, sadness, etc. I seem to react to it all the same. So I’ve been trying to be present. And pay attention. And see what happens if I sit with it. I’m trying to journal more and attempt to suffocate my feelings less. But oh it’s hard.
So I’m engaged in this new adventure. A voyage to find myself and learning to truly live in the now. Wonder what I’ll find there?